Anxiety, Epilepsy, And My Writing


I make lists for everything (because otherwise, I’ll forget). My memory is shot, unless the thing isn’t actually important, and lists keep my anxiety from stabbing my brain a thousand times asking “did you forget anything?” It only stabs me ten times, tops. (I almost started this post as a list, but realized I needed more space than a bullet point provides.)

I try really hard to keep myself organized because stress is a possible trigger for my seizures (I only know for sure that they’re not light or oxygen deprivation-triggered. Bring on the strobes and the yoga breathing.) and nothing stresses me out quite like not knowing where something is when I need it.

There are really tough days. My brain felt scrambled before, but now I feel like it’s filled with little black holes waiting to gobble up random information, memories I should have a handle on, and all the motivation. When it takes me an hour to get my brain back on track, to figure out what I was writing yesterday, it’s really hard to want to take the time to rehash it all again.

When I was on my bad medication, there were times I couldn’t string a coherent sentence together in a MS. It was like I couldn’t translate the things in my head onto the computer screen. It’s a very interesting thing to be a touch typist, start writing, and even though you’re putting words on the page, they’re not the words my brain told my fingers to write… or rather they are, but they’re not the words I told my brain to tell my fingers to write.

Properly medicated, I’m so much better. I no longer have crashing waves of paranoia and depression (the alternation of which made me feel legitimately schizophrenic) and I’m fully able to type again. I still have issues with losing words* and losing my train of thought when talking (it’s not on a screen in front of me for a quick recap).

Hopefully this medication is the answer, and hopefully I’ll continue to get back to normal…. Hopefully.
 

*When I lose words, it’s only in English. I still know what I’m trying to say in sign language or Spanish.

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