7 Careers You Should Consider Instead of Writing

Experimental Drug Test Subject – You like the stories that play out in your head? You are going to LOVE the side-effects of our newest acne treatment! Early tests show that our side effects include in-depth hallucinations. Want to talk to the most conscientious wall you’ve ever encountered? How about learning what it’s like to have the floor really be lava! Best part! It’s legal drug use! (Other side effects include: Explosive diarrhea, suicidal behavior, pica, an intense urge to insert non-metallic objects into… well, unfortunate places.)

This is obviously preferable to writing because you’ll get to explore the minds inside your head and have your memories altered!

IRS Auditor – No one likes the IRS (I mean, at best, we’re apathetic to them). Make your mark on the world by starting a career in a profession that is understaffed, over stressed and spends most of the year in a mad dash to keep up with the ever changing laws in their own workplace.

Chances are, you’re going to write a book someone hates (especially if those someones are fanboys). Why not make that possibility a 100% sure thing?


Monkey Poop Flinging Target – Wake up every morning, put on your best zoo frock, head down to the cages and wait until the shit flies. Monkey feces aren’t all that bad, right? I mean this way you get all the humiliation and annoyance without having to do any of the thinking! Am I right?

One of the strangest things about success in the writing world is that once you hit a certain point (earnings wise) people start to come out of the woodwork to let you know you don’t deserve that success, why bother waiting around to hit that mark?


Troll Troller – You were going to be sitting at a desk anyway. Put your ideas to work in a cathartic way of becoming worse than rest of the comment section in the best possible way. Be the Deadpool of the online forums. The bad guy who fights the badder guys and more or less helps out the good guys. Let’s face it, someone needs to put them in their place. Why not you?

If you’re going to take a stand on anything in your social media dealings, you’re going to find yourself on the business end of a troll’s bad spelling. Why bother doing the work when you can skip that step and hop on someone else’s trolls to fight back?


Professional Line-up Guy – How hard is this? You stand in a row of five other people every once in a while, chat up the police sergeant while he’s trying to do his filing and get to complain about the sad excuse for coffee the precinct has to suffer through. I mean the fact that you’ll be picked out as the perpetrator of a triple homicide on your first casual Friday kinda sucks.

Prison life wouldn’t be so bad, right? I mean, you’ll make new friends, you’ll get to use your Netflix knowledge to your advantage… it’ll be great!


Used Mattress Salesman – You’ll spend your days convincing people to ignore the lumps and stains, trying to assure them that your prices are very reasonable. Don’t worry about the spring poking through that, we can sell you a foam pad to go on top for another $20.

Selling something no one seems to want is always easier when you understand why they don’t want it. Don’t bang your head against the wall looking at novel sales numbers. Learn to wheel and deal the old fashioned way. In-your-face pressure is a GREAT motivator. So is Fear. When you casually mention that most people buy your wares as a method of disposing bodies….


Jelly Fish Cuddler – Who doesn’t want a hundred stinging tentacles wrapped around them? I mean, the health care is better than self-employment and the recovery periods are like having 200+ days of vacation a year. So what if you have to spend them in the hospital. And haven’t you noticed how illustrations of jelly fish are always so cute? They just want some lovin’ the least you can do is give them a hug.

The fact that you’re working for a corporate-owned aquarium that is basically sucking the life out of you shouldn’t be a concern. After all, you could have the life sucked out of you in so many other ways. And, no one’s going to give you a bad review that has nothing at all to do with your work.


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